Turns Out You Can't Lose Weight If You're Burned Out

Well color me surprised (not). 

I can't lose weight while being so burned out I give toast a run for its money.

I should rename this blog "Starting Over", but this is a realistic look at how having a good plan doesn't always mean you can execute it. Life has a way to slapping you in the face... you have to deal with it. Here I am. Dealing with it. I won't give up on my health- or myself. Every odd can be against me, but I just won't do it. 

Today I stand up again--- readjust---- and make a new plan.

Strategies I've been working on lately:

1. Accept that you're burnt to a crisp
2. Stop doing a ton of stuff... like almost every non-essential thing
3. Drink water
4. Go to bed, even if you don't fall asleep

If that sounds simple, bless your heart- it's bloody hard.

It's the perfectionism that stops me from posting. I write about my health journey everyday, but don't post it which is insane, because almost no one reads this blog. So, the joke's on me. But, I have to remember that I am paying for this site to help even one person, and I am letting that motivate me to write here.

I've set up a reward system for myself. If I post once a day for 90 days, I will get some amazing weight lifting shoes for myself :) Here's to day one 🍹 

My 100 day plan failed miserably. It was biting off much more than I could possibly chew with my circumstances. I've scaled waaaaayyyy back, and I am so happy about that. 

Today I am dressed for a bike ride and gearing up to do some decluttering which always makes me feel better. 

I'll be back later to update this site and share the things I've been writing in my journal, but not sharing online.

If you feel alone, you aren't. I'm right in the trenches with you.

Hang in there. We can do this. 

100 Days To a Better Me 1/100

Some people roll their eyes at "90 day challenge" or "30 days to a new me" type of post, but not me.

I adore a good countdown, and I ain't never met a LIST that I don't like. So, as I gear up to return to school (in MID LIFE) and make a total career change, I feel like it's a good time to just look honestly at the state of my life, and take any risk that I can.

I have been moderately consistent with working but, but my diet is just terrible lately. 

I'm up much later than I would like to be. 

The demands on my time are great, and I don't feel I have room to breath much.

I'm not making good use of the time I do have.

I absolutely LOVE Les Mills and when I went to the gym twice I day, I still did Les Mills a few times a way b. I love working out from home, and I can fit it around my school schedule and care duties more easily. It's all about doing workouts that I love.

I can't help but see myself as my old fit version of me, but now I know that I have to have a more beginner's mind so that I can be successful with my wellness goals.

I'm the kind of person who is more easily compliant with things if I do them everyday. It makes them easier for me. 

The Key Was in the Garage Gym

I say "gym" loosely. There's a spin bike. Check ✔️ Some kettlebells (duh) ✔️ and photos/ paintings from my daughter - nothing else. 

No matter how much I clean it, spiders and bugs (with bug catchers) seem to be more interested in using it at me at this point. 

I won't be too deterred. I will make sure that I am doing what I have to do to make the most of the private space. I thought I could work out AND sleep in the living room, and though they are two separate areas, I just can't. It's so difficult. Mentally there is a huge block.

From the living room to the garage next to the car

Don't conjure up any fancy ideas of a gorgeous home gym like the ones on YouTube. Nah nah nah. This is a mat. A bike. A stand with a few kettlebells, and the inability to do ANY work on the floor. No: pushups, floor stretches, floor core work, etc.)

I am grateful for the ability to have a tiny separate space, and I wish I used it sooner, but I will attempt to take full advantage of it now. Honestly, when I was my most fit, my nutrition was dialed in totally, and I used kettlebells and a yoga mat for 80% of my training. I miss that feeling. 

I miss the fit feeling AND the simplicity of it all. 

Momentum to go down there

Well, we've established I can't do much without caffeine- yes I'm aware that I would be healthier without it. I am just not at a point in my life where the withdrawals, and low mood are an option. 

I've just decided to lace up, drink some caffeine, and head down there with my tablet for a bike class or some background noise to swing my kettlebells.

I've entered the lottery for a race, and I am so hopeful that I will get in (500th time's the charm), and it can give me a focus goal. It may be time to sign up for 5ks either way. They are always so atmospheric, and just give you something to look forward to. 

Caregiving is hard

I struggle with not taking better care of myself because I feel guilty that the family members that I am caring for can't do the things I can do, but I have seen them in BETTER health and fitness than me recently, because I am training them with exercise routines, and preparing 100% of their meals and juices.

I have to remember that I matter. That I deserve to be healthy and fit again, and even if it's hard and I don't have anyone helping me or encouraging me, that I can do that for myself. I really can. 

I accept how hard it's going to be

And, I also acknowledge how hard it is to be overweight now, out of shape (my type of cardiovascular shape), and if something has to be hard, let it be waking up early and counting calories- NOT feeling the way I felt on vacation or not being able to fit any of my clothes.

It was in front of my face all along: The Garage

The spider filled, tiny little garage right next to my car. Ahhh. 

At least it has 4 walls and a door that I can close to cry, train, sweat, and remember who I am. It will be so hard, but I am not giving up on myself. Day one done. 

Gentle and Soft Weight Loss Era

 

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Well, attempting to do it the hard + fast way doesn't work for me anymore.

I can only imagine if I tried to slow down and approach my weight loss journey from a calming angle where I would be.

I can't do anything about the past 2.5 years where I gained 40 pounds, but I can do something about today. 

As I travel around in the heat + rain of my trip, I am reminded that life is happening all around me. Celebrations, sadness, fun times, stress... it's all just a part of life. 

In order to fully life my life, I believe I have to be healthy. Fit. Strong. It's an honor and privilege to live without crippling disabilities, and as I struggle to move around in my body 40 pounds heavier, I have to remind myself (gently), that I did this to myself, and I can UNDO it to myself.

What I want to focus on:

1. Meditating and being kind to myself with my internal dialogue
2. Drinking water or herbal tea
3. Taking decadent hot showers (baths when I get home once a week or more)
4. Hot coffee that I drink with two hands
5. Journaling (I can only feel better after I write about things)
6. Realizing that it's okay. Things work out the way they are supposed to, and I can handle it

Enough of believing that my worth is found in being harsh to myself in energy or word or deed.

No one is coming to wrap me in a warm blanket and say, "There, there dear". I must do it for myself. And, that's okay. It truly is okay. 

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Gentle Weight Loss

1. Walking daily on walking pad in the house while reading or watching tv
2. Stretches at night (not committing to a full yoga practice at night like years before)
3. Morning and evening wellness routine (supplements, water, tea, face scrub)
4. Instant pot/crock pot soups and pan sheet meals
5. Make things easier on myself

I will commit to reading this plan for myself as often as I need to in order to begin restructuring how I am approaching this entire process. I deserve peace. I deserve slowing down. I deserve to be well.

Meditation helps me so much. Slowing down my daily activities helps me tremendously.

My hope for you

As I shower myself with warm, loving light, I hope and pray that you are able to do the same for yourself if you are on a wellness or weight loss journey. 

Traveling While Overweight: An Emotional Struggle

I haven't been overweight in decades and I am humbled for sure.

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Let me be clear: Who I am, and my worth isn't determined by the size of my dress or my physical attributes. However, I am human, and I miss feeling good in my skin 

As I pack, I realize I have been hiding in my house in the same tights and t shirts and wow, I can't fit a single thing. 

What I did:

1. Ordered flowy clothes from Amazon with overnight delivery (not proud, but hey...)
2. Went into the mirror and said 3 kind things to myself about my body (I have strong legs, my hair is shiny, my body has been with me my entire life and for that I am grateful)
3. Accepted that traveling overweight and in the summer heat will be more difficult so I need to put extra travel time in

Motivation

1. This trip. This summer have motivated me to start a new fitness/ food plan when I get back home. 
2. I can still take care of myself (do my hair, put on perfume, dress up a tad even though I am heavy)
3. Treating myself well IS the cure. The answer lies in my ability to love myself right here, right now 

Coffee is done. Time to do a meditation, have a hot shower, and focus on positive vibes. I'll do my best to post while I am out of town to keep myself somewhat accountable.

Thanks for reading my daily diary entry :) 

I'm Exhausted: Complaining Chronicles

The title says it all.

New trademarked series: The Complaining Chronicles.

Sometimes you just want to complain. Be pissed. Be annoyed, and not try make it better. Just let it suck, and be okay with that. 

I'm tired of:

1. caregiving and having no time for myself
2. being overweight and even worrying now about needing to lose weight
3. doing the same things day in and day out, only to do them again tomorrow
4. doing all of this myself without any help/support

Do you know what it's like to be literally bone tired?

We are heading for a vacation, and I have to do all of the planning, all the meds, all of the everything.  As much as I need a "break", I am ready to be back already, and relaxing. Is that weird?

Doesn't help that it's one million degrees outside. 

Sigh... complaining over.

Health and Fitness Info

1. I've done 2 Peloton classes (first in months)
2. Done short meditations everyday
3. Made myself take hot hot hot showers no matter how exhausted I am (Previously I was skipping showers on some days from sheer exhaustion)
4. Threw away a few items items in the house just because I was sick of looking at them (I've done a minimalist purge a decade ago, but have the urge to do it again)
5. Diet still needs work
6. I need to drink more water
7. Missed sleep one night. To bed at 3 am up at 8. Ouch.

My next complaining post will be much longer, but I am so annoyed that I can't even write more about it. 

Apparently It's at 6 pm That The Trouble Starts

The day goes so well, and then 6 pm hits and I throw it all out of the window.

I've observed and grown frustrated by this new fact for the past couple of months (so I guess it's not that new).

Yesterday was a blisteringly hot miserable and busy day. Hospital crowds, traffic, dehydration- the usual for a summer caregiving day without enough sleep.

When 6:30 pm hit, and dinner was made and everyone was settled... it started with cereal and yogurt. Innocent enough right? Nah... ate it all. Then a few more snacks. Then I turned on the TV for a documentary about bike riders, and that was it. I started feeling sad, overwhelmed, apathetic, etc.

It's a new day. I am proud of what I did well yesterday also, so let's recount that.

Monday's Victories:

1. The day started with a hot (summer or not) coffee with milk and journaling
2. I did a bike class (first one in months from the Peloton app and it was fun)
3. Lifted weights while listening/watching a Podcast (weird I know)
4. Did some stretching
5. Took a hot shower (trust me this goes on the list)
6. Did my hair (definitely makes the miracle list)

What I learned yesterday:

1. When I come inside from ripping and running, I need to put 15 minutes of space in between coming in and cooking/cleaning for them
2. The little break will help me not to drop down into a pit of despair
3. 15 minutes won't make or break their hunger if the meds are already given
4. 6:00 pm onward is a dangerous time. I have to find something to do then. My ideas are:
1. Shower (whether I need another one or not)
2. Go sit in my car with a book for an hour
3. Immediately at 6 pm drink about 32 ounces of water
4. Talk  a walk on my walking pad (but I've tried this plan and have yet to do it, so I don't count this is a viable option for right now).

Tuesday's Plan

If you can't tell by now, I am a planner. A list-making planner :)

1. Coffee + journaling
2. Meditation
3. Cardio + strength + stretching
4. Prepare for long appts today
5. Few errands
6. Take a 15-30 minute break when we come back
7. Prepare dinner + clean fridge

I have to approach this one day at a time or 1/2 a day at a time. I've been working on acceptance. SO many years into caregiving (added a family member) and I am still hurting behind the reality I face.

Okay... let's tackle Tuesday.

Here's How I Start Over... AGAIN

I kept resisting posting here - as if that changes my reality, but hospital visits, midnight sweet popcorn, and tears have left me exhausted, burdened and with 3 more pounds.

I want to be in a position where I can make a plan for fitness and just be able to follow it, but my life isn't in that place right now.

I don't want to hide from it anymore in case anything I write here can help someone else. Perhaps I can even help myself...

So, it's a Monday. We have a PET scan today for my mom's cancer. I slept 5 hours. And, all of that is okay. 

Right now

1. The iced coffee is delicious
2. It's a sunny morning
3. It's a Monday - fresh start
4. 3 pounds is better than 30 pounds (like last time)

What I know is

1. Starting over is powerful
2. If I start taking photos of my food or counting calories just to see what and when I am consuming food/snacks it can be eye opening
3. It's okay to just accept that right now is hard and I have to survive through it, not thrive through it
4. All hope is NOT lost

It would be easy for me to just quit and say, "it's hard right now, I'll try next month", but I won't. It's a Monday morning. After drinking this coffee, I am going to make some toast and almond butter, and lace up my shoes for a Peloton ride. 

THIS is grief. THIS is real life. THIS is the struggle. I'm alone carrying this weight, and that in and of itself is so hard.

I've committed to myself (and to the few readers who come here) that I will be more consistent, more open, and more transparent about this process of losing weight again and living well.

Perhaps it will help me to use this space as a journal of sorts, and document exactly what workouts I do, and exactly what I eat for the day...hmmm... okay, let's try that starting today. That means more than one post per day, but whatever, it's meant to be a diary!

I'm not ready to post my own photos, but I'll start adding some more stock photos to make the post a tad more appealing where I can. 

Message for you if you're struggling

You're not alone. I'm right there with you. It's hard. It's harder than people let on. You won't be crushed by it. It does feel that way, but it isn't true. It's a fresh Monday morning. A new week. A new chance to begin again. Join me. Let's not give up. 

Drink a glass of water. Do a few minutes of really deep breathing. Clear your mind and formulate a plan that you can stick to for just this day.

If you want to, you can leave a comment and we can support one another there. 

We've got this.

Well, Caregiving Has Humbled Me Once Again: Starting Over

Maybe I should have named this blog starting over because that is all I seem to be doing.

Caregiving for my mom with cancer has beaten me down. Couple it with the fact that she has chosen not to tell anyone and we live isolated from friends or family, and you can see the cocktail of despair that I live in.

Enough of that onto this... I almost deleted all the former post on this blog and just started fresh (honestly, I may still do that) in an attempt to have a clean slate here. But, this journey isn't clean. Grief isn't clean, weight loss is HARD.

I haven't been overweight in decades so I forgot just how demoralizing it is to wake up in a heavy body unable to maintain your previous level of wellness. I type this with frustrated tears in the corner of my eyes.

In our attention economy-based mirrorball society, blogs and vlogs need to be flashy, catchy, etc. to garner attention.

Well, I don't need any attention here. I am resisting my perfectionist tendencies to use lots of pretty photos, highlighting, etc. This is the only space I own that is just mine. This started out as an online diary intent on helping someone else see that they are not alone. I have to remember my intention, and then it becomes easier to post.

In keeping my "online diary" theme, I will be posting multiple times a day. Almost like my own social media page (of which I currently use ZERO). My head is filled with a million thoughts, and I thought, "Hey, why not share it with the few people who read this blog?"

Here goes. Me. Starting over. Again. Sigh.

At least this means I haven't given up. And, isn't that a victory in and of itself? 

Onward.

It's Okay Not to Be Okay With Being Overweight and Weekly Plan

I'm not okay. I'm not.

My life is so stressful right now. Not in the "I have to pay bills so life is hard" way... but in the "cancer sucks, caregiving is hard, I feel all alone, and I hope additionally that my daughter doesn't die" way.

Too much?

Well, imagine waking and attempting to sleep with this on your mind 24 hours a day.

I am sick of people talking about what a blessing it is to care for someone with cancer, and having sick children is a blessing- um excuse me? If it's such a gift, can I give it to you? Would you like to have it? (I have to stop typing about this because the bitterness is coming up my throat like bile). 

Lately, I've been doing a lot of journaling.  The holidays can create a chasm of loneliness, and I am deep in it right now.

The visions of happy families, healthy aging parents, healthy children- all create a sort of deep pain within me.

I've never desired for ANYone to experience the hell I live through, but it'd be nice not to feel so all alone.

As the year comes to a close and I am reflecting on what I want to do with my energy, I've been reading, watching a few shows, and realizing that I don't even really know how to care for myself anymore.

I know that this online diary is just a place to express myself, and I can keep it private, but I am still hoping that even ONE person comes across this and realizes that they are not alone. 

This time of year certainly creates feelings of loneliness that are intense and indigestible. 

I'm not okay being overweight.

I'm not okay not fitting any of my clothes

I'm not okay looking in the mirror and wanting to cry because I remember who I used to be a few years ago before life slammed into me like a freight train.

The weight. The stress. The loneliness. Sometimes it feels like it's killing me. Pulling me in every direction within an inch of my understanding. 

This week's plan:

I have a total of 8 appointments this week. Yes the week before Christmas. I have a burst pipe and no idea when they are coming in to fix it. They'll "fit me in".

So, rather than wake up and exercise, I'm dressed waiting to see if they are going to call before they come. I've had to jigsaw this medical appt schedule in hopes that I can manage to get it taken care of. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety. 

I'll turn to nighttime workouts (my least favorite thing ever). If I don't, I fear I won't get them done.

Gentle workouts

1. walking on the treadmill while reading
2. barre for strength rather than traditional weights
3. stretching with an audiobook or favorite music
4. most workouts by the light of the Christmas tree at night
5. plan for them to be at night to eliminate any sense of rushing or hurrying in the morning time

It's a new week. I can start it with a positive attitude or a negative one. It's hard to keep the anxiety and stress at bay, but I will try. 

If you are having a hard week, you are not alone.