It Took Me 2 Years To Actually Start This Journey

Well, I am humbled yet again. :(

Caregiving is so hard. Mid-life hormone changes are so hard. Being alone with it all is even harder.

I thought that I could just make a "plan" and somehow magically the energy, mental capacity, and self-confidence would just show up.

Spoiler alert: it didn't.

Starting. Stopping. Starting. Crying. Anger. Grief. You name it. They swirled around me constantly.

I lost 25 pounds and gained it back. 

I wasn't yo-yo dieting. I was not sleeping, under hydrating, stressed to capacity and battling perfectionism.

I didn't post here on my OWN BLOG because I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep it together.

Yesterday I realized that the very reason I created this space is so that I could share the truth of what this kind of life is like- all my struggles, fears, goals... but instead I hid. I just sat around between all of my responsibilities, lonely feelings, and ruminated. 

I'm back.

I've made a true commitment to myself to show up if for nothing other than letting even one person know they aren't alone, and to have a diary of getting my life back together.

I deleted all of my other posts and I do regret that. This time I won't aim to make it seem like I am "all together". I am not. 

This is hard. Harder than I thought it'd be, and I am ready.

Ready for June to be the month I stop hiding from myself and put myself back on my to-do list. Even a tiny bit counts. 

I'm acknowledging what this season of my life means, and accepting just how much work it will take to get back on track.

Maybe I'll post 5 times a day to clear my head. Worrying about appearing like I had it figured out ( a product of perfectionism) is why I deleted the post and hid, but no more.

If you are struggling, you are NOT alone. 

Come here and find solidarity. 

We can do this. 

One Month Reset Check In: Fat Loss, Water, Sleep

 

stock photo: no I don't have a cat, but want one ;)

Now that a huge project I was working on is done, I can start posting daily!!!! 

Perhaps no one cares about that, but it will help to keep me most consistent. I want to be vulnerable in this space in hopes it can help even one person feel less alone. 

I am going to continue to work on this site and I want one page where I house all of my stats and figures (data nerd!), but until I make that page, let me say here that 4 weeks into this "program" I have made for myself, I am 15 pounds down and am starting to work on rest at night.

What's been working

It's helped to stop talking to people who are negative on the phone. This may seem unrelated, but research shows that how we feel determines how we are. While my life is so stressful and quite lonely, I have been trading the thought that I'm "chatting with a friend" as a cover for "I'm just working on feeling miserable". I stopped taking calls and I started listening to audiobooks, music, or just nothing. Those fleeting moments where I was "connecting" to someone else's bad days, and being a dumping ground for their drama, I used to transform into space and time for my healing. 

Accepted that this isn't about weight loss, it's about healing

I'm feeling broken inside. Disconnected from my soul's purpose. Afraid my loves one could die any day now. Alone. Lonely. Scared.

It's the reason my central nervous system is always fired up and the low level of stress that hums in the background of my mind and body has contributed so well to inflammation, gut issues, sleep issues and hormonal imbalances. 

Literally accepting the circumstances of my life has been one of the foundational moving things for me. 

Acceptance in Action...

If I want to exercise this morning by walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes while watching a podcast on vegan nutrition, but a medical appt I forgot about is suddenly remembered, the old me would literally internally berate myself for forgetting, tell myself, "It doesn't even make sense to try to take care of yourself", etc. It was all 100% negative and horrible.

Fast forward to now... still a work in progress, but I am reminding myself that, "This is just the way it is right now and you're doing your damn best". Something about that sentence just hankers down into my soul and I feel better. I'm not happy that I can't workout, but I will find 15 minutes at the end of the day to watch YouTube and walk.

Another example

A few years ago I was in the best shape of my life. 4 years and nearly 70 gained pounds later, perimenopause entered the chat alongside daily extreme stress.... um.... Dorothy we are not in Kansas anymore.

I spent so much time thinking I needed to train and live like my old self. My true self. When I stopped and looked at my body in the mirror I cried. I thought, "What have I let happen to myself?"

Either way.... I can accept that my body is beautiful because I neglected it so much... I neglected me so much.  But, if I'm lucky enough I can turn it all around. That means I can't do the workouts I once did. 

I am not comfortable going into the gym, neither do I have the time for the commute- and that's okay.

As I approach November I have serious plans to focus on feeling better. This alone will increase my ability to do the things I need to do to take care of myself. 

This isn't a matter of lack of knowledge for any of us. 

It's about something different. 

Something more internal and psychological. 

This is where I am doing my work. Internally. Setting a timer on 60 minutes and writing how I am feeling about my health, my body, my life, my soul. 

Join me. You are not alone. 

Officially Started: 40 Day Mini Challenge: Nervous System Reset

I deleted the pages on this blog because it was basically 7 different "day one" posts. Now I am back on day 9 of trying to get things back on track. I am committed and focused and taking everything super super slowly.

Sad as it may seem, I can't handle too many things right now. As a caregiver, mid-life returning student, a person living in the current crazy world, I really need things to be simple and easy. The more I work on myself, the more I realize I just want and need peace during this phase of my life.

I am going to use the next 40 days until the first week of November is over, as a true reset. A reset on all levels.

I was vegan for 23+ years and I have started to eat local animal products in moderation. (More in another post on way and I am not sure I will do this long term-though I might). I decided to start eating in a calorie deficit. I decided that walking is the new running, and told myself that I would focus on a few things.

stock photo of an autumn tree lined street

Forty Day Fall Focus

Theme: Wellness, Rest, Resetting and Weight Loss

1. Practicing sleep hygiene. I am taking this very slowly. I am just getting into bed by 10:15 and watching tv, youtube, or reading. Or all of the above.
2. Drink 80+ ounces of water per day. I have a cup that's 40 ounces. Times 2. BAM.
3. Calorie deficit. First two weeks I am just tracking it all down. 
4. Reading fiction. I always read nonfiction, and classics and literary fiction are my loves, but I have not been making the time/having the space to read.
5. Clean and declutter small sections of my house one at a time.

Goals

1. Weight loss. I do need to start shifting some of the weight I've gained while caregiving. I am still caregiving and it is taking everything out of me. I miss being fit. I miss loving the clothes I wore. 
2. Sleep better. Sleep at all. 
3. Lower my resting heart rate.
4. Exercise again without thinking it has to leave me wiped out and sweaty. Just start the challenge with movement and strength. 

The Sad Truth (but truth nonetheless)

I am sad that I've gained 60 + pounds in 4 years. I am sad to be a caregiver in secret. I am sad to be mid-life and feel I don't have my shit together because so much of my life is dedicated to caring for people. 

stock photo: healthy meal prep

The Hope and Promise

The truth is that no matter what I am grateful to have the opportunity to turn it around. I'm glad that I got my bloodwork and saw how terrible things had become and how being moderately sedentary (even after decades of fitness), and eating junk food (even with lots of good meals between) was rapidly deteriorating my health. 

I feel that I have time. THIS time is time. I can take slow, steady steps forward and that will be great. If I had only done that a year ago where would I be now? That's how I am thinking moving forward.

I am dedicated to those I care for to carve out a way to make this happen. For them. For me. Because they deserve it, because I deserve it. 

I can't do anything about the time that has gone by, the pounds that have been gained, but I can start now to move forward.

I am posting this here because I wish that I could find a blog or channel that wasn't trying to sell me something or brag and boast. Just a raw, honest take on what it is really like to be a forgotten caregiver in mid-life struggling to figure it all out while people's lives hang in the balance.

Please come back if you think you can find inspiration here. I would love it. 

We can do this. One hour at a time. 

Well, Caregiving Has Humbled Me Once Again: Starting Over

Maybe I should have named this blog starting over because that is all I seem to be doing.

Caregiving for my mom with cancer has beaten me down. Couple it with the fact that she has chosen not to tell anyone and we live isolated from friends or family, and you can see the cocktail of despair that I live in.

This journey isn't clean. Grief isn't clean, weight loss is HARD.

I haven't been overweight in decades so I forgot just how demoralizing it is to wake up in a heavy body unable to maintain your previous level of wellness. I type this with frustrated tears in the corner of my eyes.

In our attention economy-based mirrorball society, blogs and vlogs need to be flashy, catchy, etc. to garner attention.

Well, I don't need any attention here. I am resisting my perfectionist tendencies to use lots of pretty photos, highlighting, etc. This is the only space I own that is just mine. This started out as an online diary intent on helping someone else see that they are not alone. I have to remember my intention, and then it becomes easier to post.

In keeping my "online diary" theme, I will be posting multiple times a day. Almost like my own social media page (of which I currently use ZERO). My head is filled with a million thoughts, and I thought, "Hey, why not share it with the few people who read this blog?"

Here goes. Me. Starting over. Again. Sigh.

At least this means I haven't given up. And, isn't that a victory in and of itself? 

Onward.