Made Myself Get on the Bike

I was messing around all day yesterday. Phone calls. Laundry. 

The bike class (30 minutes) was cued up and ready to go, but I didn't dare get on. I wasn't "feeling it".

I told myself, "THIS is how you gained 40 pounds. Not feeling it."

Stress or no stress, I have to MOVE and eat better, sleep better, and drink water if I want to improve my health. It doesn't matter that 3 years ago I was fit and strong, NOW I am overweight, stressed, and if I want to SEE change, I have to actually CHANGE what I'm doing.... so... I got on the bike.

I walked around this house until 3:20 pm and finally just got on and pressed play on the class. I was slow to warm up and I struggled big time, but I did it. 

29 minutes later I was repeating to myself, "I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you."

It's a reminder: There is NO workout that you will ever regret. 

Today, I'm up a bit later (working on my sleep hygiene more on that later this week), sipping coffee and about to dress to exercise at home. I wish I were heading to the gym to zone out and train, but the weather isn't very favorable, so inside it is. Hopefully I can get enough peace to do a full workout.

I can almost feel the old me mentally peaking out from behind this cloud. THIS is what exercise does for the brain. I have to keep going. The weight loss will follow, but for now... the habit building is the most important part. 

Monday Morning of Thanksgiving Week

The cold brew is fresh. 

The oatmilk is creamy. 

And I am ready for a great and healthy week.

Am I cooking all manner of Southern comfort food for the holiday? Yes.

Am I intending to eat and enjoy it? Also, yes.

I'm fitting my training into my schedule like a baby fits a bottle. It's vital. I can almost feel myself (ya know the old me) back in the game. That's all a few good exercise sessions can do for a girl!

My weekly training plan is already out of the window because the forecast is calling for storms on the day I want to go to the gym so maybe I'll adjust and go later today.

Why is this important? 

Well, I can only fit really a few pieces of clothing that I can exercise in. When I exercise at home, I can wear whatever I want to. Now I will have to shower and change into something that a) matches, and b) can be worn in public. lol

I most likely can't get out the door to go until around 12 or 1 pm so that also throws a bit of wrench in my "get up and get it done" plans. 

But, I'm remembering to tell myself that I am capable of unearthing the real me. Just a few short years ago, I was training twice a day and LOVING every second of it. 

Yoga. Walks. Hikes. The gym. Etc.

I've always loved having equipment at home, but I need that separation of space. I need to get into a building where ALL I have to do is exercise. NOTHING beats that feeling for me.

With an anxious brain, and a stressful life, exercise becomes medicine. And no one would tell a person to skip meds, so I never let anyone tell me that I workout too much or try to make me fearful of overtraining, etc. 

I'm a smart woman. I didn't run 10 miles a session, or bike for hours, but moving my body was therapeutic and I am starting to remember that now and it feels great.

I'll report back on what I decide to do regarding my training tonight here on my online diary/blog. 

I'm so happy that I have one reader now :) 

So, whoever you are out there... I'll keep posting just for you. 

Gentle Discipline: My Concept of Nudging Yourself Towards Progress

I don't want any more excuses. I do want results. 

In between excuses (reasons) and results is ACTION. Disciplined action.

Even though I am being gentle with myself, I know this for a fact.

I have accomplished a lot in my life under very stressful circumstances, and the second I sat inside the circumstance, and let it consume me, I couldn't accomplish a single thing.

It was ONLY and I mean only when I disciplined myself to take the actionable steps towards the goal (regardless of circumstance) that I was in any way successful.

Let's break this down:

If you want to lose weight (hello me... needing to lose the 40 pounds I gained in the past 3.5 years), you say to yourself, "I am a caregiver. I am in midlife with a slower metabolism. I can't afford to catch germs from the gym and make my family members ill. I have limited time. I don't sleep enough. The gym is expensive."

Everything you said was true. Factual. No one could argue that it wasn't. BUT, even with it being true, it will not help you lose a single pound.

How about, "I am a caregiver. I am in midlife with a slower metabolism. I will have to be extra careful in the gym as best I can regarding wiping things off and going at odd times. I will use my time carefully when I am there because it is so far way. What can I stop doing at night so I can get more rest for the gym. How can I re-budget to fit this necessary expense into my bills?"

Gentle Discipline Approach

1. Great a night time routine. I believe this will be the key to having better days.
2. Make my room as inviting as possible at night to encourage sleep. My sleep hygiene is my first focus.
3. Recite affirming statements three times a day. I am not a big affirmations person when the affirmations feel completely out of place, but if they are honoring, they can be very inspiring. 
4. Keep first things first, cardio and exercise when I first get up before doing anything else in the house. My mind starts to race with anxious thoughts of everything that needs to be done, so I can eliminate that by working out right after I have my array of morning caffeine options. 
5. Add a source of movement at night. Yoga. Light pilates. Dance. A slow treadmill walk at a very low speed. This is a disciplined action that is necessary. I can sit 10 paces away from my treadmill on the couch reading or surfing the internet. All things that can be done on the treadmill. It is only a matter of discipline in order to do them.

As I plan this week, I will add this gentled yet disciplined approach to the results focused aim of my weight loss. Now is the time

I Have ONE Reader of this Blog And I Am Happy

To the ONE person who reads this almost daily... thank you.

I figured if only ONE person saw this and it helped them in any way, I'd keep writing. 

Stay tuned because I have a lot planned for here. I'm just getting started.... ❤️

Eating Late At Night With Exhaustion

It can be 10:30 pm (my prime time). My family is asleep. That lonely feeling comes to cover me like a dark blanket. I make something full of carbs and I watch YouTube.

I literally PAY for YouTube premium so that I am not disturbed by commercials.

I don't even want to do this, yet I do it.

Everyday I say that I will have more discipline about it. I'll go back to the old me. The woman who never would have been eating a stack of homemade pancakes at midnight (that was me last night). I can see that version of myself. Touch her mentally, but I am still struggling.

I woke up this morning and grabbed a canned coffee and started this post. 

What's going on with me? If I think about it deeply I would say that I am lacking comfort. Any comforting feeling to help me feel better is what I am after, and that hot syrup filled plate of fresh pancakes felt warm. Inviting.

Had I not made and eaten those, I had a book to keep me company. It paled in comparison.

I wasn't even hungry either. THAT is what is worse. 

I know that I want a gentle approach to weight loss, but I'm gaining more weight and at some point you have to rely on discipline. Strategy. A Plan. 

If I keep doing only what I feel, I'll be 250 pounds in a short body and have a host of ailments and need someone to take care of me.

I'm taking charge of myself and mental health starting right now. Not tomorrow (Monday), right now. I will get to the bottom of this can of coffee, make a plan for exercise today and food and hop to it. I have no clue what I'll do, but I will report back here to this online diary. 

My RIGHT Now Plan:

1. Drink some coffee
2. Drink some water
3. Have a banana
4. Exercise
5. Clean my house
6. Plan my exercise for the week

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. 

Bike + Grocery List Making = Slow But Successful

I am really trying to work on my sleep. 

NO... I don't have a lot of "time" to sleep, but I can try to have deep sleep when I do sleep.

The gym must have taken it out of me because when my body hit the bed, I could feel my muscles melt into the mattress.

This morning (after sleeping 7.25 hours!) I realized that I don't have much time before we leave for medical appointments. I stayed IN my pajamas, and got onto my bike for 30 straight steady minutes. 

I made my grocery list and peddled slowly... but it was great. It reminded me of my old self. The pre-pandemic me who woke up early, did cardio and felt amazing. She's in there. 

I didn't try to push myself. I wasn't attempting to feel any burn. I just wanted to show up for myself in a gentle way. 

I consider this morning a true success. I will string these little wins together and before you know it, I'll be well and truly on my way back to ultimate health. 

It's still early yet today. After all of our appointments, who knows? I may feel motivated to do more exercise this evening :)

I FINALLY Went Back to the Gym And I Didn't Even Die

Well that was anti-climatic. The gym was sort of busy. (exhale, exhale). 

The only pair of tights that I can fight my now 40 pound heavier tights in were straining at the seams, but I opened my refreshed app to log in at the gym and I walked right in. Head. Held. High.

Yes, I did have to recite affirmations to myself the entirety of the 30 minute drive there.

Yes, I passed up several other closer gyms because I feel uncomfortable in them.

Yes, I deserve to spend this time on myself a few times per week. 

No, it wasn't easy. No, I didn't "own" the place, but I managed it.

I gave myself 60 total minutes on the floor to get my feel for the gym again. Let's remember that prior to the pandemic, I was at the gym 6-7 days a week, sometimes twice a day- for real. 

I know my way around the gym, but this is a new gym and I am a new me. I'm insecure. I'm really overweight. I'm burned out. I'm anxious. But, most importantly, I'm at a physical rock bottom. There's power at the bottom (tomorrow's post).

I have learned recently 

• done is better than perfect
• complete is better than ruminated on
• if I wait for my anxiety to go away to do things, I won't get anything done
• I deserve to take care of myself
• Doing WHATEVER it takes to get my health + fitness back is vital- no such thing as too much time or money to make it happen if I am able to budget and manage it
• Balance is a joke (I did know this), but now I truly see that if I want to squeeze my health back on my plate, some things have to go by the wayside and most importantly.. it's okay
• It's never going to be the "right" time or a "good" time to add yet another thing to do to the full day, I have to remove something else to make this happen
• reconfigure the budget to account for paying for the gym
• reallocate time to make the 3 hours each time I go (1 hour for commute and 1.25 for exercise and rest for cleaning/getting in and out/locker room)

I have a plan to go to the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays for now (with some Sundays thrown in depending on how everyone is feeling at home), and I'll work out at my house the other days. 

I will always report here on the daily blog about how it's going.

If you've been considering joining or rejoining the gym, I say go for it. I say do it even if you have a home gym. Even if you have to budget for it. You're worth it, and so am I. 

Pros and Cons of Rejoining the Gym...

I am working to claw my way back into a well-lived life. The burnout is so real. The heaviness is so real. The feeling of being utterly alone is so real. How does one stand up after life has beaten you down so badly for so long... my answer is one movement at a time.

I truly believe that without my physical health, I will not feel better mentally. 

My entire mindset right now is, "How can I approach my goals in the easiest and most gentle way possible?"

I know that I don't need the gym. I know that I can workout at home.

However, here at home I am finding myself either NOT doing it,  or washing laundry in between sets, putting food in the oven, etc.

As my family's caregiver right now, ALL of my needs have fallen by the side of the road. I am clawing my way back, and I know that I am not capable of returning to my 5-day-a-week gym habit, neither do I want to, but I think making a commitment to going twice a week gives me something to look forward to, and the push I need right now.

Cons About Returning To the Gym

1. The distance. The gym is 25 minutes each way.
2. Paying for it. It isn't too much of a con because it isn't too pricey, but if I wind up not going, it's just flushing money down the toilet.
3. Anxiety. I have to watch germs I carry due to a family member's white blood cell count, and I am so heavy now. I am not comfortable in my skin (working on it).
4. The time per day. I am estimating it will take me 3 hours a day when I go- to get there, train, clean, get back. I am remembering that I am worth that time.
5. The people. Ugh. Body odor. Gross people staring at you. Being in the background of people's social media, etc.
6. Cold / snow. With daylights saving time, I will have to modify when I go to the gym because I don't live in a well lit area. This means the gym time will take up the bulk of the day because I will have to go midday.

Pros About Returning To the Gym

1. Dedicated place to have ONE focus- exercise. Being able to turn my mind off to the rest of my life and only focus on exercise will feel like a mental vacation.
2. Can use the drive to listen to music or audiobooks.
3. Feel a bit like myself again. I've forgotten who I am these past few years of caregiving as the pounds have piled on, I have gotten lost in the background. Going to the gym / training period was one of my top hobbies. This gets me back closer to myself.
4. I'll be facing a huge fear. Fear of germs. Fear of putting my much heavier body out into the world. Fear that I can never get my true self back. I will be facing these every time I walk into a gym.

So... I think today's the day. The day I just click the button, pay the money, rejoin, and find some time in the next week (holiday and all) to get in the gym and face this fear.

My plan for the first visit is just cardio and the leg press. I'll report back. 

Redefining "Working Out" From a Gentle Perspective

It's true that I want to get back to the "old me". The woman who worked out for fun for 1.5 hours a day and did extra burpees for the hell of it.

I'm now changing my workout lens. 

I'm using compassion goggles to view my fitness through for this phase of my gentle weight loss journey.

ANY movement is movement. ANY form of stretching is beneficial. ANY resistance on my body is strength training.

Examples of my new approach to working out:

• Let's replace jumping up and down (it wouldn't be kind to my joints with the 40+ pounds I gained) with gentle bike riding (stationary) + treadmill walking + nature walk
• Let's replace 60+ minutes of intermediate yoga with yin/restorative yoga- where you barely even move, but it's great for your central nervous system
• Let's replace thinking we need to workout for 60-90 minutes at a time in order for it to "count" and just set a timer on the phone/watch and do what intuitively feels good

Here's the reality

Maybe it will take me longer to lose weight with this relaxed and gentle approach, but prior to this mental shift I was slowly gaining and losing fitness every single day; therefore, this is truly a step in the right direction.

I'm at a stage of life and of burnout where my mental health is honestly the MOST important part of this. If I fall apart mentally, it doesn't matter what else I have going on... it's going to crumble.

I truly believe that I can't handle my life without being physically fit and spending time daily exercising (to quiet my mind and burn off anxious energy), drinking water, getting some sort of deep rest, and doing basic feminine grooming habits. I learned this the HARD HARD HARD way.

So, it's a new busy day. I have to go all the way out of town today so I can't exercise this morning, but with my new gentle approach, I can get home later today, set up my tablet or kindle for reading, hop on my bike or treadmill and go slow and steady for an hour.

It's about the investment in myself that counts.

It's about the investment in approaching myself more gently rather than aggressively that really matters. 

Trying a Gentle Approach to Weight Loss

This is my third attempt at this weight loss blog. 

I'm burned out. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Sad.

My life has beaten me down and I thought that I could approach this weight loss the way I approached it before about 20 years ago and white knuckle my way through.

I thought by being severely focused and regimented I would fall right back in line with old self. 

Let me tell you a health story...

Until midway through 2020 I was effortlessly fit. I lost 80 pounds about 17 years before that and other than the odd 10 pound holiday weight gain here and there I maintained a level of fitness (all while severely stressed + having extreme endometriosis).. and then the pandemic happened. C-PTSD flared. My mom got advanced cancer. My disabled daughter got bad medical news. I lost my job. And the hits just kept coming.

I felt like I was still working out a bit. 

I felt like my diet was kind of okay.

Pound by pound. Inch by inch I grew. I ballooned up over 40 pounds!

I found myself crying late at night eating salted nuts and looking at pictures of videos of my life before (when things made more sense).

I distanced myself from everyone (not that I had any real family or friends to begin with).

I started to feel really sorry for myself. And I found a plethora of reasons why I should feel justified in crying myself to sleep.

The danger is that

While all of it is true- my reasons for being sad... my reasons for eating late at night... my reasons for quitting the gym and skipping some workouts, the end result was/is the same.

I'm now middle aged, technically obese, experiencing situational anxiety and depression and I am alone.

NOTHING changes the results, even if I can justify the behaviors.

This time around, I've wiped this site clean. I am going to be more vulnerable and honest and I am going to take a gentle approach to this weight loss.

I'm writing this on a frosty Monday morning in Fall. The perfect time for change. 

I have a lot of thoughts in my head, and I know I can't be the only one in a predicament like this. I can't be the only woman feeling this way in mid-life. I just can't. 

My prayer is that even ONE person can find this blog and find inspiration or understanding from it. My biggest pain point is how alone I feel. How utterly and devastatingly alone I feel every day. 

Here's my gentle weight loss promise to myself for this week:

1. I will blog here every day my truest of feelings. No more hiding here.
2. Journal what it is I truly want- I have forgotten how to ask myself that.
3. Find a way to "soften" my internal dialogue. Remove all the "you should have known better" statements, and replace with, "it's okay, you're doing your best".
4. Decrease streaming time. I don't use social media much, but I over watch YouTube and Netflix (or any streaming service) to avoid my own thoughts.
5. Read more. I am an avid reader, but have been leaving my books unread to binge watch reality tv that I don't even care anything about.

All I can think to myself is that this way of trying to lose weight will take SO long, but the truth is if I had taken a more gentle approach 12 months ago when I started this, who knows where I would be now.

The time is passing anyway, so I may as well stand up and show myself some compassion and make some changes.

If any of this sounds like something you want or need to be a part of, feel free to post a comment or email me at quinoaandkettelbells at gmail dot com. 

You are not alone. Hang in there.