Eating Late At Night With Exhaustion

It can be 10:30 pm (my prime time). My family is asleep. That lonely feeling comes to cover me like a dark blanket. I make something full of carbs and I watch YouTube.

I literally PAY for YouTube premium so that I am not disturbed by commercials.

I don't even want to do this, yet I do it.

Everyday I say that I will have more discipline about it. I'll go back to the old me. The woman who never would have been eating a stack of homemade pancakes at midnight (that was me last night). I can see that version of myself. Touch her mentally, but I am still struggling.

I woke up this morning and grabbed a canned coffee and started this post. 

What's going on with me? If I think about it deeply I would say that I am lacking comfort. Any comforting feeling to help me feel better is what I am after, and that hot syrup filled plate of fresh pancakes felt warm. Inviting.

Had I not made and eaten those, I had a book to keep me company. It paled in comparison.

I wasn't even hungry either. THAT is what is worse. 

I know that I want a gentle approach to weight loss, but I'm gaining more weight and at some point you have to rely on discipline. Strategy. A Plan. 

If I keep doing only what I feel, I'll be 250 pounds in a short body and have a host of ailments and need someone to take care of me.

I'm taking charge of myself and mental health starting right now. Not tomorrow (Monday), right now. I will get to the bottom of this can of coffee, make a plan for exercise today and food and hop to it. I have no clue what I'll do, but I will report back here to this online diary. 

My RIGHT Now Plan:

1. Drink some coffee
2. Drink some water
3. Have a banana
4. Exercise
5. Clean my house
6. Plan my exercise for the week

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.