My life is so stressful right now. Not in the "I have to pay bills so life is hard" way... but in the "cancer sucks, caregiving is hard, I feel all alone, and I hope additionally that my daughter doesn't die" way.
Too much?
Well, imagine waking and attempting to sleep with this on your mind 24 hours a day.
I am sick of people talking about what a blessing it is to care for someone with cancer, and having sick children is a blessing- um excuse me? If it's such a gift, can I give it to you? Would you like to have it? (I have to stop typing about this because the bitterness is coming up my throat like bile).
Lately, I've been doing a lot of journaling. The holidays can create a chasm of loneliness, and I am deep in it right now.
The visions of happy families, healthy aging parents, healthy children- all create a sort of deep pain within me.
I've never desired for ANYone to experience the hell I live through, but it'd be nice not to feel so all alone.
As the year comes to a close and I am reflecting on what I want to do with my energy, I've been reading, watching a few shows, and realizing that I don't even really know how to care for myself anymore.
I know that this online diary is just a place to express myself, and I can keep it private, but I am still hoping that even ONE person comes across this and realizes that they are not alone.
This time of year certainly creates feelings of loneliness that are intense and indigestible.
I'm not okay being overweight.
I'm not okay not fitting any of my clothes
I'm not okay looking in the mirror and wanting to cry because I remember who I used to be a few years ago before life slammed into me like a freight train.
The weight. The stress. The loneliness. Sometimes it feels like it's killing me. Pulling me in every direction within an inch of my understanding.
This week's plan:
I have a total of 8 appointments this week. Yes the week before Christmas. I have a burst pipe and no idea when they are coming in to fix it. They'll "fit me in".
So, rather than wake up and exercise, I'm dressed waiting to see if they are going to call before they come. I've had to jigsaw this medical appt schedule in hopes that I can manage to get it taken care of. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety.
I'll turn to nighttime workouts (my least favorite thing ever). If I don't, I fear I won't get them done.
Gentle workouts
- walking on the treadmill while reading
- barre for strength rather than traditional weights
- stretching with an audiobook or favorite music
- most workouts by the light of the Christmas tree at night
- plan for them to be at night to eliminate any sense of rushing or hurrying in the morning time
It's a new week. I can start it with a positive attitude or a negative one. It's hard to keep the anxiety and stress at bay, but I will try.
If you are having a hard week, you are not alone.
